It is 11pm on a Saturday night, Om Mani Padme Hum by Imee Ooi is playing in the background coupled by the sounds of the falling water in my guppy aquarium. After a session of yoga in my living room I try to forget everything else and find inner peace. When I open my eyes from my 5 minutes of meditation, I thank God for this comfort and luxury I am surrounded with. Yes, I am like others out there, every single day there is havoc and new problems to resolve but I am still thankful to be in a comfortable place and at least I have power to influence what goes on in most of my daily life.
Having nothing to do I sorted out old emails in one of my older email addresses. Found a link to my old blog. I started blogging back in 2006. I am not an avid blogger by any standards, you can call me a 'casual blogger'. The only reason I blog is perhaps to share my thoughts at the same time I hold back because I am worried about how much I was putting myself out there. Conflicted, Haha! I find myself laughing at a few posts I published in the old blog and appreciating those happy moments I had. We sometimes forget about those privileged happy moments we had and I guess writing them down or blogging about them freezes those moments for future reflection. Just like what a photographer does. He captures a photo of a scene so that when we look back we can remember.
There is a nice memory about this song that is playing in the background now as I write. I don't think I told anyone this story , people may find it insignificant. Anyway. it was 2006, I was so lost. I was overwhelmed by so much troubles. It was the first time I prayed to God and confided in Him that I couldn't take the burden and the trials, although I know that He would never give me more burdens then I can handle, I just couldn't be more miserable than I already was, I needed help. To people who know me, I am a person who never easily admitted defeat, and I felt so defeated. I believe God sent me an Angel as an answer to my prayers. This guy who came into my life and just picked up all the broken pieces. On one of the occasions when he had to leave KL, I was again very sad because he being there made everything okay. He opened his lap top and played for me another version of this song. This song is a Buddhist Chant and I am a Catholic but I felt calm. It reminds me of Gregorian chants. I started sobbing, and he just held both my hands and asked me to breathe. I found difficulty breathing in between my crying and he said we'll do it together. He motioned me sternly to breathe in and out, but I was occupied by shame and by the need to apologize for breaking down in front of him. I felt silly but he tighten his grip on my hands, asked me to close my eyes and focus on nothing but breathing together with him. After three inhaling and three exhaling breathe I felt better! He didn't solve any of my problems then, only I could do that and only I had the power to choose which road to take. All he did was simply being there for me and showing me that I could only be in control of the whole situation when I am first in control of my emotions and thoughts. That to me was more powerful. Until today when things get too much, I remember to Breathe.
Memories like this how small, brings me much happiness. Good night all.
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