Hello people =) I have been deliberately silent over the pass 6 months, it's incredible to be so silent as I am usually more verbal. So many things had happened over the last half year of 2009 that silence until recently was golden. This is to report I am alive, kicking, happy, and at peace, but life as always has its little dissapointments. There were certain events that made me feel like I am finally more in touch with my emotions. Emotions that I have blocked out for so long because I needed to focus on work. I am such an emotional person but over the years I got so good at hiding it and more often then not put on a strong front for the world to see.
The worse event for me was a passing of a very dear friend. It is true what they say when they say things are never going to be the same again when someone dear to you leaves. There is no healing until there is acceptance. To this day I am still accepting the fact that he is no longer here. Although I had never took his friendship for granted, still there are mixed emotions all the time whenever I think of him. I questioned myself why and I think it is because of fear I would never find such a great confidante and such true friendship. Some friendships are just too deep and profound to describe in words. Like his family and other friends who saw him as how I saw him, I will miss & love him always.
I took certain big steps middle last year and I have no regrets whatsover. For me the most important thing is family and I would like to keep that relationship good as far as possible. For some reason I feel I made the right decision. I would never had forgiven myself for not coming out on my own. Even if I am to fail I know that at least I tried and if I have to spend time repaying back for my failure, at least I am moving forward and not being stagnant.
So far, everything is falling into place =) God is great and I have always felt that even in the darkest moment he is there watching out for me. I am eternally grateful for the love and support of the few key people in my life. You know who you are. I LOVE YOU! They kept my spirits up and gave me the love & support I needed. This sounds like an award acceptance speech. Haha! But I sincerely Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to give up and take a breather sometimes, that it is okay to lay my burdens down. Most importantly to love myself first and give myself more before I can continue to give to others. I learnt that to receive sometimes can be difficult when you are so used to giving. A dear friend opened my eyes on how I looked at things when she said that receiving is not being selfish. I am no Superwoman, so I spent the last of 2009 embracing being just a humble human being for a change. I too realized I was physically and mostly emotionally drained and that left me agitated with myself all the time.
I look forward to 2010 and while 2009 were full of tears of frustrations and dissapointments I am sure 2010 will be full of tears of joy. My focus this year will be on growing my little venture, to worry less, to spend more time with good friends, to laugh more, to exercise more and to embrace sprituality more, to surround myself with positive people & to continue to love hard!
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